


Return of the Green-Eyed Monster

by DownOnThePharm



Series: Dwarfing With Dolphy [2]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 06:00:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Dolphy has settled into life on Red Dwarf, and is loved by his new crewmates.  Well, most of them, at any rate.





	Return of the Green-Eyed Monster

Several months had passed since Lister and Kryten had smuggled Dolphy on board _Red Dwarf_. The little android had rapidly become popular with most of the Dwarfers, proving to be a valuable crew member with skills ranging from delicate electronic repairs to making fabulous choux pastries. He was an amusing, considerate, and intelligent companion. He helped Kryten with the laundry every Tuesday, to the mech’s delight. He played chess with Holly, worked with his roommate, Snacky, on his latest time travel projects, and taught Lister to play guitar competently if not particularly well. Even Cat had eventually warmed to him when Dolphy praised him as the most elegant creature alive, and consulted the felinoid on a new wardrobe to replace his uniforms. The general consensus was, “That Dolphy - what a droid!”

Naturally, Rimmer despised him.

A life and afterlife of self-loathing, a tremendous burden of neuroses, and a nonexistent romantic history had left Rimmer extremely insecure when it came to his relationship with Lister. Even in the early days, when there had only been the four original Dwarfers, he’d worried that Lister would become dissatisfied and leave him (Rimmer brushed off as inconsequential the minor detail that Lister wouldn’t have anywhere else to go). When he’d given up being Ace, he’d told the others that he had become tired of adventuring, but the truth had been that he could no longer bear the thought that his Listy might find someone else. Now that they were encountering other life forms on a fairly regular basis, and their little posse was slowly expanding, the hologram found himself constantly sizing up people and GELFs and droids as potential rivals. 

Oh, was Dolphy a rival.

From the moment he’d met Lister, the android had been openly besotted by him. He postured and preened, flirted outrageously, and constantly heaped praise on the bemused Scouser. Lister had been confused and a bit unnerved by all the attention at first, but now, months on, Rimmer suspected that his partner was secretly flattered. _He certainly doesn’t tell the German git to bugger off,_ Rimmer thought sourly. _He probably smegging loves it, the little gimboid_. Dolphy had agreed not to pursue Lister, true, but Rimmer didn’t trust him. 

It wasn’t as though Dolphy was unpleasant to Rimmer. He was always polite and respectful to the hologram. He’d compliment Rimmer’s cooking ( _damn right it’s good, miladdo, and, for that matter, my pastries are better than yours_ ), and effusively praise his paintings and sketches ( _natural talent, squire - no art school needed here_ ). Occasionally, Rimmer would find himself enjoying the droid’s company, but then he’d catch a glimpse of Dolphy mooning over Lister with doe-eyed adoration, and any goodwill he’d developed would be beaten down and shoved aside by his usual seething ball of jealousy. He’d even needed three resentment drains since Dolphy’s arrival, and would probably require a fourth at the rate things were going.

Rimmer really despised Dolphy.

Matters weren’t improved by Lister’s spending seemingly every waking hour down in Parrots singing and playing guitar with the droid. The others would often head to the bar to hang out, but Rimmer refused to join them, citing the need to revise and to protect his precious hearing. This evening had been no different. Dolphy’s stupid face had popped up on the communication channel, interrupting “Spaceballs XVIII: The Really, Deeply Unnecessary Sequel.” Beaming at Lister, he trilled, “Coming to practice, David?”

To Rimmer’s annoyance, Lister immediately chirped, “On my way, man,” and slid off the sofa. The hologram arched an inquiring brow and looked at his partner. “Why don’t you come down for a bit? We’d love to have you there,” Lister said.

Rimmer replied stiffly, “Thanks for the invite, but I’m afraid I must decline. I have revising to do, and paint to watch dry.”

Lister shrugged, and, with a casual, “Suit yourself, man,” bounded out the door, Rimmer looking longingly after him.

Rimmer tried to continue watching the film, but couldn’t get back into it. He missed having Lister snuggled up against his side, chuckling over the same old jokes they’d seen literally a hundred times before. Sighing irritably, he switched the TV off and sat down at the table, opening one of his well-worn textbooks. He stared at the same page for a good twelve minutes, rereading a paragraph over and over again with no comprehension (nothing unusual, admittedly), until he gave it up as a bad job and slammed the book shut.

Head in hands, he brooded in silence until the “bing-bong” of the comm channel intruded on his musings. Looking up to see Lister on the screen, Rimmer smiled at first, until he remembered that he was peeved with his partner. He promptly assumed a stern look, and snapped, “Yes, Lister?”

“Hey, man, I’d really like you to come down here and join us.”

“Can’t,” Rimmer sniffed. “Busy.”

Lister chuckled at that, and replied, “Looks it. Seriously, Arnie, it would mean a lot to me if you’d come down.”

Lister’s affectionate use of his pet name didn’t escape Rimmer’s notice, and the hologram felt a warm glow despite himself. Still, he wasn’t about to cave in so readily. “Why should I, pray tell?”

“Arnie, please,” Lister said softly. “For me. It’ll be worth your time, I promise, and, if not, you can always leave.”

Unable to resist Lister’s plea any longer, Rimmer made a show of rolling his eyes, and replied, “Fine. Give me a few minutes.”

“Cheers, darlin’!” Lister happily blew him a kiss and signed off. Rimmer waited for a few moments, then slowly headed down to Parrots.

As usual, Dolphy and Lister were cheerfully singing together on stage, while Cat danced on the bar, and Kryten and Snacky sat by a wall monitor chatting with Holly. Jealousy flared in Rimmer’s simulated heart for a moment, but he managed to tamp it down, reasoning that Lister wouldn’t have asked him to come down if he were openly canoodling with Dolphy. Probably. 

Spotting him, Lister hopped down off the stage and trotted over to him. He flung his arms around the hologram and hugged him close, saying, “I’m glad you came, Arn.” 

Even as he returned Lister’s embrace, Rimmer couldn't help asking, “So, Listy, what’s so important that my presence was required? I just see you lot cluttering up the place as usual.”

“It’s a surprise, love!” Over his shoulder, Lister yelled, “Holly! Dolphy! Hit it!” 

A familiar tune began to play as Holly cued up the bar’s sound system. Grinning at Lister and Rimmer, Dolphy stepped up to a microphone and began to sing.

“There's a saying old, says that love is blind.  
Still we're often told, seek and ye shall find...”

Rimmer stared at the crooning android in shock, then looked down at Lister, who had rested his head on his chest and was gazing up at him. “What? My song? It’s my song! But, why?”

“I'd like to add his initial to my monogram.  
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?”

Smiling up at his hologram, and gently swaying, Lister softly replied, “Dolphy’s idea, love. He doesn’t want you to hate him. He likes me, yeah, but he knows I’m with you. He wanted to do something nice for you, and so did I. This is our song now.”

Blinking back sudden tears, Rimmer closed his eyes, held Lister closer, and quietly began singing along. 

“I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.  
I know I could, always be good  
To one who'll watch over me.”

The shabby old bar, the other Dwarfers, the awareness of their isolation in deep space - none of it mattered to Rimmer at that moment as he slow-danced with the love of his death to their song.

“Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,  
Follow my lead, oh, how I need  
Someone to watch over me...  
Someone to watch over me.”

They concluded their dance with a gentle kiss. Still holding Lister tightly, Rimmer looked over at Dolphy, who had an expectant expression on his face. “Herr Rimmer, you enjoyed your surprise, _Ja_?”

Rimmer smiled dreamily at him, then replied with the only thing that came to mind.

“What a droid!”


End file.
